Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
