I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Randomize
