When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
