I love black thongs
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
