WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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