There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
