the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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