i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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