Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
