I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
