Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
