it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
