I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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