On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Randomize
