conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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