My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
