He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Acid is not a monday night drug
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
