90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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