Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
