God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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