A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
as a side note pls kill me
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
