her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
