I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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