I need to stop coming to work sober
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize