I can text with my tongue
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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