I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Randomize
