We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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