I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
