I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
