I just saw a hot homeless man
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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