why didn't you poke me back
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
