just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
