I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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