My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
