Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
