You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
