either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
