Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
