Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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