I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
