so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize