he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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