Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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