would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
