i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Your penis caused this!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
