My first STD was from a foam party
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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