I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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