You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
