I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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