FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
