Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
