We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The adults are the big ones right?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
