You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
