Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
