The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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