my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
