I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
