did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Can't talk, ducks in the car
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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