Will you blow on my dice?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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