The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
