Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
