The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
