You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
