You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
